One Week Post-Surgery

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Maya Angelou

These past nine days have truly flown by in a haze of every emotion possible. It is hard to grasp that feelings of gratitude for so much this past week can settle side by side with so many feelings of sadness, pain, and tears. This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I came out of a six hour surgery in a complete fog, not truly grasping what my body had just endured, but knowing enough in my still drug induced brain to let the tears flow in the post op room. All I wanted in that moment was my Luke, holding my hand and telling me it was going to be okay. My body did not co-operate right away, and thanks to my extremely low blood pressure that would not elevate, I spent significantly more time in the post op area than planned before being moved to recovery. Once I finally made it to recovery, I saw the face I needed, Luke. My surgery was planned with me being admitted to the hospital. However, once in recovery, it became obvious they were going to push me home, and quickly. One of the more poignant realizations in all this of this COVID world, a world we have lived in for almost a year, but felt so real in that moment where I knew I was not okay to go home, but I had to summon the strength to make myself okay to do just that. I can look back now and be grateful I was surrounded by these amazing pink ribbons full of words of comfort and love, the love and gentle care of Luke and my sister. But I also can look back and see how hard this week has been beginning with that first evening coming home floundering after a major surgery.

Pain management the first few days was tricky. I feel like we had just found the sweet spot to maintain comfort, and the typical “Bowler stomach” reared its ugly head. After days of some negative side effects to the pain medication, the final stop for some relief (milk of magnesia is evil) led to me being really sick. I can attest to being nauseous and especially physically sick after this surgery is not fun. I have relied on the combination of ibuprofen and Tylenol for several days now, too afraid to touch anything stronger. A trade off for sure, dealing with more pain while trying to get my stomach back on track.

While balancing the physical side of the last days, I have really struggled emotionally. All over the place really, from not wanting to look at myself, frustrated in needing help to do anything including shower, feeling like a terrible mom as I cannot be there for my boys as I usually would, anger at being knocked down when I physically cannot pick myself up yet, and isolated, so isolated, due to this pandemic. While we all have already felt that over these months, it is a completely different beast while fighting an illness like cancer. We have to be so careful, yet I long for my boys to have some normal and just go play at their best friend’s houses to escape this reality; I would give anything for my dearest friends to come distract me for an hour and squeeze me (gently) in a hug. This week, I hate this pandemic on a whole new level.

Today, I am working very hard to consciously start the week with a better mindset. Writing this, both so I can remember but also so I can let it out in words, is my start. I also decided I need to physically write some things I am thankful for, to bring some positive to the forefront instead of just dwelling on the hard. So, that cute picture at the top of my post. Many of you saw the video that Luke made of the strings of ribbons around my bedroom. What an incredible gift, every single time I open my eyes or sit here just staring, those ribbons are what I see and read. I will never forget all the words of love given to me, and the love of Luke, my sister and mother-in-law to work so hard to bring those words to life for me. I am also thankful for the cute pup in that picture, who is annoying a lot of the time, but has rarely left his mama’s side these days. The meals that have been given through the meal train, gift cards, and donations, I cannot express the relief of not worrying about something simple like dinner for our family. And the showering of gifts, both genuinely thoughtful in their practicality, and comforting in their generosity, I am blessed. The quote at the start of my blog is one of my absolute favorites. It is truly the best way to express my deep rooted feelings of gratitude; and the very real fact that I will never forget.

I will most remember from this past week my two families, who sacrificed so much to quarantine and be safe to be able to help us, both in taking care of me and caring for the boys. My Bowler family and my DeVito family, it is hard to find the words to explain how incredibly blessed I am. When it comes specifically to my sister, she is just a rare human being. She has come and gone from two hours away multiple times in the last weeks. She helped me get ready for my surgery, she was here when I got home, she has comforted me in my weakest moments, and helped me to feel more human with her gentle touch. I could never have imagined that begging her to braid my hair as a kid would come full circle with her braiding my hair for me as an adult as I work to beat cancer. She has filled my freezer with food, my bedroom and bathroom with touches of comfort, washed my sheets, cleaned my house, cared for my littlest guy. She has given Luke some relief in shouldering it all right now. Put simply, we could not have done this without her. And Luke, he is a one of a kind man. I can see the struggle for him in all of this, most prominently his concern for me. But he has handled it with strength and grace. He puts my care first in every way, while balancing the kids, my appointments, his work. And in between all that, he continues to tell me I am perfect while he holds my head as my tears flow. He is everything good in my life; he is my perfect partner.

So, this week. I am struggling so much in the last few days with looking at myself and being okay with the changes now and ahead. I am sure it is normal, but it is hard. I start physical therapy twice a week to get some motion back. I have once a week appointments to get my expanders filled. I really, really, really hope to get these drain tubes out this week. I have weeks and weeks ahead of more hard, but for today, I am going to focus on this one week. Wish me luck as I start the week today with physical therapy.

To be continued for any of you who made it this far ~ as my journey in this new life after cancer has just begun.